


House_Hunters_s9246e03

by asthmaticjedi



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Grumpy Old Men, M/M, house hunters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 09:32:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11643741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asthmaticjedi/pseuds/asthmaticjedi
Summary: Jack and Gabriel want to settle down and somehow end up starring on an episode of House Hunters.This is going to end badly.





	House_Hunters_s9246e03

**Author's Note:**

> take hulu away from me

“ALRIGHT EVERYONE,” Hana yelled throughout the din of the other agents. “YOU ALL ARE NOT GOING TO MAKE ME MISS THIS SHIT OR I SWEAR I’LL FIGHT ALL OF YOU IN MY MEKA.”

“Yeah, yeah, calm down ,” McCree rolled his eyes. “It ain’t like we could just watch it online, it’s not like they’d know we didn’t watch it the second it -- hey!” He yelped indignantly as Sombra threw popcorn at his head.

“Shut up, old man. I worked hard to get this episode early from the studio,” Sombra deadpanned.

Genji raised an eyebrow, eyeing the exchange a safe distance away from the both of them. “You hacked into HGTV’s servers, didn’t you.”

Sombra waved a hand dismissively. “Semantics. Now shut up and watch,” she said, shoving an obscene amount of popcorn into her mouth while pressing the play button.

“I still think this was a bad idea,” Winston muttered. Hana hushed him as the cheery music started to play.

“Jack and Gabriel are looking for a quiet place to settle down in sunny San Diego, California,” the narrator intoned. “They both need a large place for their kids and entertaining while having their own spaces for their own needs. What will Jack and Gabriel do on this episode of House Hunters?”

“Wait, what kids?” McCree asked, confused, as the cheery theme song played. Hana shushed him.

“So, um. I’m Gabriel,” on-screen Gabriel said, skin smoking slightly.

“I’m Jack.” He adjusted his bright red visor, looking a bit lost without the rest of his face mask. “We’re two veterans looking for a place to settle down after, uh, our military careers.” Lena snorted, huddled next to Winston.

The show cut to a well manicured omnic realtor. “So,” they said in a perfect, modulated voice. “What are you gentlemen looking for?”

“Five bedrooms, minimum,” Gabriel said immediately. Everyone could tell Jack was rolling his eyes behind the visor. “We need space. For. Um. Our kids. And guests.” On the couch, Hana choked on popcorn while Lucio snickered behind his hand.

“I need a good sized deck for my grill. And a large yard. For the kids.” Jack added.

“We also want a large kitchen and entertainment space. An open space would be best. And a large garage for storage.” Gabriel said monotonously.

The omnic nodded. “Any location you have in mind?”

“Some place quiet,” Jack said immediately.

“Alright. Now, what budget are we working with?”

“Unlimited,” they answered unanimously. With their salary as the commanders of Overwatch and Gabriel’s blood money from his mercenary-for-Talon days, price wouldn’t be an issue. The graphic at the bottom flashed an infinity sign.

The realtor cocked their head, confused, but didn't push it. They straightened and modulated, “I think I have a few places that may suit your needs.”

“First up, a modern style home that’s big on interior space, but small on the outdoors,” the narrator said.

“Alright, so this house is five bedrooms, four baths,” the omnic said, opening the door to a luxurious and sleek house. Jack and Gabriel ooh-ed and aww-ed unenthusiastically, clearly egged on by the production crew. “It is being sold for one point six million.”

Jack squinted suspiciously towards the windows that covered back of the house. “This is very… Open…”

Gabriel grunted in agreement. “Lots of weak spots. Easy to get in. The high ground _could_ make up for it, though.”

“I’m sorry?” If the realtor was confused, their voice modulator didn’t show it.

Gabriel waved a hand dismissively, smoke trailing after his hand. “Nothing. Tell us more.”

“So here’s the kitchen and the living room,” the realtor said, gesturing around the house. “It does have the open floor plan that you did want, Gabriel.”

The two of them scanned the room methodically. Jack looked at Gabriel and nodded. “Definitely can fit everyone.”

“Good,” Gabriel replied. He gestured to the expansive windows. “Still an issue, though. Too many ways in. May be too risky. Also,” Gabriel stepped outside. “Space outside is way to small. It does have a deck for your grill, though, Jack.” Jack nodded approvingly.

“The bottom floor also has one bathroom,” the narrator said, cutting to Gabriel and Jack frowning disapprovingly while mouthing “too small.” “The two of them also approve the spacious garage, which can fit Jack and Gabriel’s equipment display,” the narrator continued as the camera showed Jack and Gabriel making odd framing gestures that suspiciously looked like the size of Jack’s pulse rifle and Gabriel’s Hellfire shotguns.

“Let’s take a look at the bedrooms,” the realtor cut in, leading them both upstairs. “Here we have the master bedroom. What do you think?”

“This is a good sized space,” Jack said, eyes scanning the room. “Look, Gabe, it has a walk in closet where you can display all your costumes.”

“ _Custom made clothing_ , Jack.” Gabriel corrected, sounding a little peeved.

“They see the en suite bathroom, and check out the other bedrooms and bathrooms.”

“Oh, these too rooms would be great for Je--the boys, Gabe,” Jack said, gesturing to two neighboring bedrooms.

“Do you really want those two to be next to each other, Jack? We would know no peace. Ever,” Gabriel said, exasperated.

McCree choked on his beer. “Who the hell are the other boys?!”

“Me, obviously,” Genji snorted. “We were both Blackwatch, which means Gabe is our dad now.”

The camera cut to a one-on-one interview with Jack. “This place has potential,” he said, his face swiveling side to side, on edge. “But I’m not sure about the windows.”

Another cut to an interview with Gabriel. “The windows and the tiny outside space is a huge issue. I’m not too sure about this one.”

“Weren’t they, like, the leaders of military organizations or something?” Hana gestured to the TV, popcorn flying everywhere. “English isn’t even my first language and _I_ can do a better interview than that.”

“Aren’t your streams in English?” McCree frowned.

“Bilingual. Korean and English,” Hana corrected. “One language streams are for noobs.”

The camera zoomed out of the first house before cutting to the second one.

“This second house is an early modern house tucked away in a suburb next to the coast,” the narrator announced.

“So this house is a little bigger than the last, and…”

“I hate the location,” Gabriel said immediately. He was clearly agitated, his skin smoking more than usual. The realtor politely didn’t mention it. “It’s too close to too many tourists. Too risky.”

“Well, it _does_ have one more bedroom than you asked for.” There was a slight edge to the realtor’s too-smooth voice modulator. “Let’s see the inside before we totally give up on this house. Shall we?” The realtor unlocked the door and escorted them in.

Jack looked at the floor, scuffing his combat boots on it. “Tile,” he grunted. “Breaks too easily.”

“I… didn’t realize that would be an issue.” The realtor tried.

“Our children are animals,” Gabriel deadpanned. Winston bristled, affronted. “Hardwood would be better.” Gabriel frowned. “Not a huge living space and entertainment area. The kitchen is small, too. No counter space and too closed off from the rest of the living room. The granite is nice, though.”

“There is an additional room next to the living room that you could use to--”

“MINE.” Gabriel declared, running into the den. “IF WE GET THIS PLACE THIS ROOM WILL BE MY MAN CAVE.” The camera cut to Jack, who was pinching the bridge of his nose.

Winston frowned. “Aren’t they both… you know… Men?”

“Gabe gets real prickly about his sewing projects. He probably wants his own space where Jack won’t touch anything,” McCree called from the other side of the room.

“This house does have a deck and a bigger backyard, too,” the realtor informed, motioning to the back door.

“This would definitely fit my grill,” Jack said approvingly.

“The yard is a good size for the kids, too,” Gabriel added. Jack rolled his eyes.

“Also on the first floor are two of the six bedrooms and two and a half bathrooms,” the narrator said while the camera panned to two spacious bedrooms.

“Dibs on the first one,” McCree called. He pointed at Genji, who opened his mouth, irritated. “I have seniority.”

“Damn,” Genji muttered.

The camera cut to the realtor entering another room. “So this is the master bedroom. Nice and roomy, and leads to a balcony.” Gabriel brightened at that. “And on the other side of the hallway we have the three other bedrooms, perfect for your… children. And _here_ …” the realtor pushed open a door back down by the stairs landing. “We have a four car garage.”

Gabriel and Jack looked mildly impressed. “This would definitely fit all of our stuff and have room left over for when the te -- _ouch_ \-- kids visit,” Jack commented, rubbing his side where Gabriel elbowed him.

It cut to an interview with both Gabriel and Jack. “I’m not a fan,” Gabriel said immediately. Jack nodded.

“Wow, there’s no pleasing them,” Hana complained.

“I’m sorry, have you _met_ those two?” McCree shot back.

“Point taken,” Hana conceded through a mouthful of popcorn.

“There’s not a ton of space for our, uh, kids. That will definitely be an issue for when they come over. And the tile floors aren’t ideal.” Jack added.

“But.” Gabriel looked at Jack, who raised an eyebrow behind his visor. “It does have an extra bedroom, and it has a space for my man cave.”

“A man cave doesn’t make any sense, Gabe. We’re both men. The whole house could be the man cave.”

Gabriel sighed, black smoke curling from the side of his mouth, and plastered on a fake smile. “We’ll definitely need to think on it.”

“This third house is a Spanish-style house that was just built. It has one more bedroom that Jack and Gabriel are looking for with more square footage than the last two houses. But will the price drive the two of them away?” The narrator asked as the camera panned across a stately, stuccoed house.

“While they did say they have an unlimited budget, I’m not sure how far Jack and Gabriel will go, so this will be a gamble,” the realtor said smoothly in an interview. “But if they are willing to spring a bit more, then they will definitely get the space that they want so badly.”

“So,’ the camera cut back to the realtor standing in front of Gabriel and Jack. “Here we have our third house. It does have four bedrooms…”

“Oh,” Jack said flatly.

“...and six bathrooms,” the realtor finished, ignoring Jack’s interjection. “It _is_ a little on the pricey side. But it has a lot more space than the last two houses, especially in the backyard. Shall we?”

“Look at that kitchen, Gabe,” Jack nudged his husband.

Gabriel hummed approvingly. “Nice and big. The island will probably fit enough food and people when the kids are over.”

“The floor plan is good too.Very open. We can keep an eye on everyone,” Jack added. “Living room is big enough for everyone too.”

“And here we have the backyard,” the realtor intoned pleasantly. “It is _much_ bigger than the last two and includes a deck and a pool.”

Gabriel did not look impressed. “Too much maintenance.”

“The kids will wreck the pool the second they see it,” Jack admitted in the interview. “It’s going to be an issue if we end up buying this place.”

“Jack and Gabriel see the downstairs bathroom, and a spacious three car garage.” the narrator announced. “Now, it’s time to check out the bedrooms.”

“This is the master bedroom.” The realtor gestured to the massive suite. “This would have sufficient space for an office or workspace for you both, and…”

“What the hell is this.” Gabriel stood by a wall painted with a French countryside.

“I think it’s great,” Jack marveled.

Gabe was still unmoved. “It looks disgusting.”

“The en suite bathroom gets their stamp of approval, but Gabriel isn’t happy with the number of bedrooms,” the narrator said while the camera showed shots of the bedrooms.

The camera cut to the realtor standing outside of the house with Jack and Gabriel.

“So,” the realtor said pleasantly. “What do you think? Have we made a decision on which one we want?”

Jack and Gabriel exchanged a look. Based on the intensity, one would think they were Strike Commander Morrison and Blackwatch Commander Reyes, ready to fight the world. “We have some thinking to do,” Jack mused. Gabriel nodded in agreement.

The camera cut to Jack and Gabriel walking along a beach shore, hand in hand. Everyone watching in the room awww-ed.

“We have to make a decision.” Gabriel looked like he would rather be anywhere but there.

Jack hummed in agreement. “How do you feel about the third place?”

“Hate,” Gabriel said immediately. “The pool is a hassle. It doesn’t matter if the entertainment space is bigger, we’re one bedroom down. I’m not putting up with Ana complaining if she has to share a room with Fareeha when they visit.”

“It’s like they’ve known me for years,” Ana called airly as she walked past the television.

“Third house has to go,” Gabe said flatly. The show helpfully flashed a shot of the house and crossed it out, complete with pen scratches. “That narrows it down. What did you think about the second place?”

“The sixth bedroom would be nice,” Jack mused, then immediately grimaced as he stepped on some stray kelp. “But the location is the entertainment space…”

“Small, yeah. A lot of blind spots when we’re entertaining,” Gabriel nodded in agreement. “It _does_ have a deck for you, and a man cave and balcony for me.” Jack rolled his eyes, but didn’t comment.”The garage does have extra space, too. The second house is definitely a possibility, even if the location is a liability.”

“But what about the first one?” Jack needled. “One less bedroom, but still enough for our, uh, children.”

“The backyard is too small for them.” Gabriel countered. “The deck will barely your grill, though, and we can work around the windows if we wanted to.”

Jack stopped and pulled Gabriel into a loose hug. McCree jokingly gagged on the floor. “Made up your mind, old man?” Jack asked, smiling softly.

“I think so.” Gabriel’s lips tugged into a half smile, and for a moment, they looked like they were never commanders of an international military organization or two vigilantes wanted in no less than thirty countries (ignoring the fluorescent visor perched on Jack’s nose bridge and the slight smoking from Gabriel’s eyes), just two old men looking for a place to peacefully settle down.

“JUST TELL ME WHAT HOUSE THEY GOT. THEY WON’T TELL US GODDAMMIT,” Hana screeched at the television.

The camera panned to the first house and was met with a mix of cheers and groans.

“I thought they would go with the second one,” Genji lamented.

Lucio hummed in agreement. “That garage would have been great for a private show.”

“HUSH.” Hana threw popcorn at their heads. “I can’t concentrate with you two talking.”

“Gabriel and I went for the first house,” Jack admitted as he walked around the space. The camera cut to the now furnished living room, stocked kitchen, and Jack’s enormous grill perched on the edge of the deck while the bottom text flashed “two months later.”

The camera cut to the master bedroom, already set up with furniture and Gabriel’s sewing corner, proudly displaying his finished sewing projects. It moved to Gabriel squinting at paint chips, the floor littered with Western-styled paraphernalia and sword mounts. “We’re setting up the kids’ rooms so they can immediately settle in when they come.”

The camera panned over the garage with Jack hurriedly closing a cupboard containing what looked like his beloved pulse rifle and Gabriel’s shotguns, his smile strained and apologetic. “We’re almost done with setting up the house and we’re hoping everyone can come in ASAP.”

The show cut to Gabriel and Jack sitting in the living room smiling softly at each other. “I think this place will be great to settle down in. I’m really happy with it,” Jack murmured. Gabriel nodded in agreement, both looking more at peace than they ever had before.

**Author's Note:**

> *cracks knuckles* right. so. this fic wouldn't exist without our lord and savior hgtv or the beautiful people at the dailyreaper76 discord. i love y'all. thanks for letting me rename it to dailysquidward76.


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